In early May of 2013 I had a completely non-supportive husband.
I had a completely non-supportive husband who was completely against the idea of me going under the knife for anything, if I could avoid it. Keep in mind, this man is one of those bodybuilding obsessed beasts who think all everyone in the whole world needs to do is HIT THE GYM and all of the worlds problems will be solved! Basically, my hubby and I have a great relationship in every way possible. Despite the fact that we we verbally argue like mad dogs every now and then, but we always end up laughing like hyenas only 2-3 minutes into any heated argument, which tends to deflate the situation.......aaand we're back.
We've been like this from day one, and admittedly it's mostly my fault. I am very strong-headed, and so is he. The combination is a pretty lethal one all on it's own. Two incredibly strong willed, super strong-headed individuals that is...but even then, dear hubster and I do perfectly well, as long as I can manage to keep my big mouth and sharp tongue under control. I do nicely for the most part, but rarely, there are those days that my temper is about to sky rocket and my tongue has a mind of it's own. Even so, hubby's kind enough to smile that big huge, super cute, warm-the-heart kinda smile and calm me right back down. Isn't that how things are meant to be? If they aren't, they certainly should be! The person you decide to live out the rest of your life with shouldn't be one who never gets you angry, or never argues with you, or never makes mistakes. Tell me if you find someone like that, I'd like to get a band of my closest girlfriends and raid that country. Honestly though, what fun would a person like that even be? What sort of dull, loveless life would that be. It'd be more like slavery than marriage (and no, they are not one in the same). Rather, I feel the perfect partner is someone who knows how to make things right back to normal again in moments. Someone who makes mistakes, and cares enough to admit to them for not there own sake, but out of love for their spouse!
Anyways, we aren't hurtful to each other. We certainly don't say things that can be hurtful, but we do say quite a few playful things all the time. I mean to say that we have a VERY open way of communicating where we trust each other with our entire selves and express whatever it is that is on our minds, directly. No BS. NONE! ZILCH! That is just how I am, and hubby has learned to become the same way having been with me for so long. And me him, a good relationship is one built on trust, honesty and good communication. However, a GREAT relationship is one where both parties know "how" to communicate successfully, and know when to stop and what buttons, to simply NEVER PUSH. I know when my husband is set on something, I can smell the determination a mile away, and I act accordingly and support him through thick and thin without any need for any level of "assertion" on his behalf. And I expect him to be the same way.
The only problems that arise in such a relationship start when one of us doesn't really understand what it is we are truly feeling.....and when it comes to expressing....it's nothing less than a Super Duper EPIC FAIL!. Basically, my husband felt that I did not know enough about the VSG and was afraid that I might be taking too big a risk to simply "get thin". He has such a fear of surgery, and the fact that I just threw the decision at him like that, out of nowhere only made matters worse. He simply didn't know how to express these fears to me because he wasn't even sure of what he was feeling. All he knew, at the time, was that he had a negative feeling about it and about how I just pounced at him with the decision. I should have kept him more aware of my intentions while I was contemplating it for so many years, so that he could have easily flowed right into the decision, having known it was eventually in the plan. If you want to know how everything went down in that discussion, and a little about why I decided towards the VSG for me and what lead me to my decision ultimately go ahead and read on.
When I explained to my dear husband that I was looking into VSG (Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy), I was straight forward and let him know the facts. What the procedure is, what is done to the body, how I felt about it, why my doctor thinks I need it, why I know I need it and so on so forth. My doctor may have many medical records full of pages and pages of reasons she wanted me to go ahead with weight loss surgery, however my own reasons are two, and only the two. Of course, like any other human being on this planet I too want to look and feel good, not to mention I want to stop having to continuously change from diet to diet or "lifestyle change" to "lifestyle change" every few months because my body just gets used to whatever I do to it and refuses to lose more weight! But the second and absolute deal breaker is that I NEED to be there for my children, I refuse to not give them ALL of myself anymore. My boys deserve a mom who can, will and and is able to run around like a nutty, crazy lunatic with them all day long! They deserve to have mommy take care of the chores for once so they can learn to do the same! They need their mother to do all of the things, and more, that a mother does with her very young boys (3yrs and 9 months). The biggest fear I have is walking in the parking lot of a store and my oldest pulling his hand right out of mine and running into oncoming traffic and me not being able to run fast enough on my bad leg to get to him in time! That is my worst nightmare! And let me tell you, a mother has a lot!
When I mentioned all of this to my husband, I could easily tell he was doing some very hard thinking. I could almost hear the gears in the back of his head clicking and clanking to try and figure out some new sensible scapegoats to get him out of this situation. He understood completely my need to feel well, and he knew all too well of my years and years of diets and trying this, trying that and all of the up's and down's that come with attempting major weight loss. However, his fear for me going under the knife was clearly holding him back. To make a long story short, basically, after a few more lousy "excuses" my husband came up with (including the one I'll never let him forget about how I should just get a tattoo if I'm so fussed over having scars allover my belly. "It'll look better" he says!) I told him to stop talking, and insisted that he give me 10 uninterrupted minutes to have my say, and than we could continue.
Firstly, I explained as gently as I could to my dear husband that this was a decision that had already been made. He may be a supportive part of this decision so that I can remember him at my side at such an important turn of my life, and there by my side as I slowly come into a new era of a more active, fitter, and all around healthier future. Or he may of course just sit by in disdain. I told him how this sort of attitude will only follow him around for the rest of our married lives together after this point, and he'd obviously just be better off to shake it off now before it leeches on and slowly sucks the happiness right out of his life as he watches me become more and more distant from him. I asked him about when we are both old and have nothing left but the memories, what does he want me to remember about him? That he was always there and supported me, or that I would only remember this moment in time, where he did the exact opposite.
So yes, after this conversation was over, hubby was all about it. Yes, he still thinks I could work out more (but he also thinks he could rid the world of all diseases and illnesses if he could just convince everyone to "hit the gym" enough), and yes he repeatedly tells me he loves my body the way it is and thinks I look gorgeous (can't argue with that ) but he says he knows that this is what I want for me, and skinny, fat, he'll have me any way he can as long as I'm happy. So, needless to say....he's paying for everything! (this is what you get when you argue with an "assertive" woman who knows what she wants. Hubster should have known better, he has had 7+ years personal experience after all )
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